On May 8th, my neighbors, my mom and sister and brother and aunts and grandma, my postal worker, my landlord, my local firefighters, the checkout people and the manager and the baker from the grocery store, the old drunk but friendly guy who walks up and down our street all day long, other parents at the playground, drivers beside and around me at any given stoplight, and many thousands of people I will never see or meet will have the opportunity to vote on the validity of my marriage.
On that day, the people of North Carolina will go to the polls to vote for or against amending the state constitution with this sentence: “Marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this state.” Many will stay home because they don’t feel passionately one way or another, or they’ll be too busy with their valid marriages and recognized families to weigh in.
I’m not going to write about all of the consequences, unintended or not, of the amendment passing, including those for straight people and unmarried couples and their children, because to me it should be enough that it’s wrong for voters to literally deem thousands of same-sex couples’ relationships invalid. But if you’d like to read more about all of the amendment’s other harms, visit www.protectallncfamilies.org.
Instead, I’m going to tell you about us.
This is us.
My partner and I have been together for seven years. We have two kids, and moved to North Carolina from Georgia last year after my partner finished a doctorate degree and was offered a professor position at a local college. Even though we left good friends and a comfortable-for-our-family social climate behind in Atlanta, we were so thrilled to leave the big city for beautiful North Carolina where the majority of my extended family lives. We’re now an hour and a half away by car from my mom and aunt whom our boys adore. We love being able to take a Sunday drive to see them, and do it often. Having nearer-by, reliably loving babysitters is another added perk. You can imagine our dismay then, when only a month after we moved here, the North Carolina legislature voted to put Amendment One on the spring 2012 primary ballot.
Grant Leslie shares her gadgets.
On a typical day in our lives, the baby wakes up at seven. I blearily roll out of bed to change his diaper. On my way, I turn off the hall light that was on all night in case our older son made his way from his bedroom to ours. After diaper duty, I let the dogs outside, start the coffee, and fire up my computer while the baby chases the cat faster on his hands and knees than I can move on two legs before coffee. A few minutes later, our older son bounds out of our room and wants to “WATCH VIDEOS!” or “GO TO THE MUSEUM!” or “EAT 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9 WAFFLES!” I cajole him into using the potty and putting on big kid underpants. My partner washes dishes from the night before while I make breakfast. After we eat, I check Facebook and email and focus for a little while on my part-time, work-from-home gig.
Mmm, yogurt.
After I finish up, my partner and I trade off the kids so we can each get ready for the day. One of us feeds the dogs. My partner leaves for work. The kids and I meet our playgroup at a local park. After a couple of hours of my older son charging around like an angry ram, incurring and inflicting countless boo-boos, while the baby (who insists on crawling on the ground) stuffs mulch and other inedibles in his mouth and I hang him upside down and do finger sweeps trying not to panic, we go home for lunch and naps. After naps, there might be painting or coloring or playing out back. My partner arrives home from work around 5:30, except for the very long days when I’m on my own until 9:30. On the short days, I cook while the boys jump on our bed with my partner. On the very, very long ones, I cook alone while my older son watches Sesame Street, the baby raids the cabinets and stalks the cat, and I drink a well-deserved glass of wine.
Playing out back.
Bedtime is complicated. Our older son has never been an easy sleeper. We’ve come a long way from his infant days of constant night time waking but he still needs help falling asleep. Currently, after coerced teeth-brushing and pajama wrangling, my partner or I read aloud to him in his big kid bed, and then hold his hand while reading quietly in the dark with a tiny book light until he falls asleep, at which point we creep out of his room, holding our breath, praying he’ll stay asleep. The baby has been an easier sleeper from the start, thank goodness, but lately with new teeth coming in, he takes a lot longer to settle. At some point, they’re both asleep and my partner and I collapse on the couch to report our day’s events to one another. Some nights we’re too tired to do anything but lose ourselves together in DVR-ed Survivor or American Idol. (Or the Bachelor which is, oddly, my partner’s favorite show.)
On the weekends, our mornings are the same except that I sometimes attempt pancakes. Later, we go “exploring for bears”, grocery-shop, my partner mows the lawn, we do laundry, we tend to our growing garden as our older son digs for worms or turns over rocks looking for bugs while the baby rips at grass and sneaks some into his mouth, and my partner and I attempt meaningful conversation over the constant din of a shouting toddler and a screeching baby. Some days and weeks are hard and long, full of tantrums and sickness and bad news. Others are soft and light and seem to dreamily zoom past.
Exploring for bears.
We’re thinking about buying a house. It’s a buyer’s market, we hear, but as we drive around pondering our options, we worry about the usual stuff: What if we get into a loan we can’t afford? What if one of us loses our job? Will the house appreciate? We also worry about not only the education quality of the local schools but whether our boys will feel safe and comfortable in them. Will they be bullied for having same-sex parents? We wonder if prospective neighbors will be dismayed to have a same-sex couple with children move in next door. What if we buy only to find that we’re not wanted in our own cul-de-sac? As we drive around, my heart skips and swells every time a I see a “Vote Against Amendment One” yard sign, but deflates every time I spot a “Vote For.” The good news is that the former far outnumber the latter, at least inside the city limits of Winston-Salem.
Here’s what we hope and dream for our future: we want our boys to become kind, smart, and capable people. We want my partner’s professional career to continue to develop. I want a room of my own to pursue a Writer’s life, or at least to find a way to contribute to our family income with my writing. My partner supports this dream. I’d also like a third child. My partner is a little dubious on this desire, mainly because we don’t have the money to go there right now, and might never. I want chickens too and my partner is fine with that as long as we wait until our current herd of pets have passed on. Mostly, we just want to stay healthy, stick together, grow together, and support each other until the end of our days.
No matter how hard I squint, I cannot figure out what’s so threatening about this little life of ours. I believe in compassion and accepting people different from me so I have spent a lot of mental energy puzzling over the motivations of people who would vote to invalidate our family. I understand those who object to us mainly do so on the basis of their religious beliefs. I affirm that these people are entitled to their religious beliefs but I do not understand why my fellow citizens’ religious beliefs dictate how our government classifies my marriage and family. Why does my neighbor get a say over who is eligible to be my valid life partner? Why do other people get to vote at all on my access to the same legal rights and privileges they’re free to enjoy without a referendum?
If you’re a North Carolina voter, I want you to know that when you vote on this issue, real people and sweet families will be on the receiving end of the button you push. My family will be glued to the TV screen on May 8th, anxiously watching the voting numbers roll in. At the end of the day, or when the tipping point is reached, we will either be crushed or buoyed by your choice. Choosing to not vote is as good as voting for the amendment.
And if you vote for the amendment, you’re not stopping North Carolina from legalizing gay marriage as the pro-amendment side would have you believe. Gay marriage is already illegal here. No, a vote for this amendment is merely a public shaming of people like us. It’s a vote for heterosexual superiority. It’s a pep rally for the privileged against the already oppressed. It also has specific legal and healthcare-related consequences. The amendment bans all civil unions or domestic partnership recognition. We’re lucky that I receive healthcare benefits through my partner’s employer. We have to pay income tax on those benefits because we’re not–get this–legally married. But it’s unlikely that we’d lose them given my partner’s private employer’s equality-friendly track record. Many other fellow North Carolinians will not be so lucky, especially those receiving domestic partner benefits from municipalities like Carrboro. (For more information on the specific consequences of Amendment One for same-sex couples and others, please visit: www.protectallncfamilies.org.)
Playing at my partner's campus.
We’re also lucky that my partner was able to legally adopt both of our kids before we moved here. Those adoptions are binding across state lines but second parent adoption cannot be obtained by residents of North Carolina. For same-sex couples in North Carolina who have children where only one parent is the legal parent, this amendment could result in children being removed from a parent they’ve loved from birth if the only legal parent dies. It could mean employers refusing to extend benefits to children of non-legal parents. It could also absolve a non-legal parent from any support responsibility if a couple with children separates. This is not an exhaustive list. I implore you to visit www.protectallncfamilies.org for that.
If Amendment One passes, and I fear it will, for us there will be that initial gut punch, then tears, and then a burning rage at all of those people in our community who voted for it. This rage will slowly simmer down to a low boil on the back burner of our busy lives. I know this because we moved from Georgia where a similar amendment passed in 2004. Three years later, we stood before family and friends and had a beautiful wedding anyway. Georgia’s amendment and the federal Defense of Marriage Act restricted us from many rights and privileges enjoyed by straight married couples but no amendment or law could or will stop us from staying committed to each other and our little family.
Wedding toasts. Photo by Our Labor of Love.
Whether or not the people of my state judge our marriage to be invalid or unworthy of being recognized on May 8th, on May 9th, we will wake up around seven. I’ll probably be tired and grumpy from nursing a teething baby through the night but I’ll make the coffee and get breakfast going anyway. Four days later, my partner and I will celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. We might get to go on a date if my mom and aunt can drive over to babysit. That same month, our boys will turn three and one. The baby will likely be walking by then, and suddenly having two independently ambulatory kids will bring a host of new, more pressing problems to worry about.
Look out, world.
I found your blog from your post on APW. I just wanted to say that I hope the ammendment is voted down. No one should ever have the right to make decisions about consensual relationships other than their own. It makes my heart hurt that people are voting on the validity of other people’s marriages.
Also … your writing is phenomenal.
Thank you, Sheryl. Your kind words mean a lot.
Aly, I came across your wedding story a year or two ago and was happy to come across your blog recently. My fiancé and I are a year into planning our wedding, with kids on the horizon in a couple years. I am fortunate to live in the DC area, where gay marriage is legal, but have listed North Carolina as one of the places we could possibly see ourselves moving. It’s unfortunate that the states with the nicer weather are also very “red.” You have such a beautiful family and I think sharing your story will help change the hearts of many. I look forward to future postings!
~Mel
P.S. I’ve included a link to your blog in my “blogs I follow” section.
http://www.butchfemmelove.blogspot.com
Thank you, Mel! Don’t give up on NC. It has a lot of other attractive qualities that make it a great state for queer families. The Triangle area and Asheville are oases for people like us. NC may take a giant leap back with this amendment but if it’s not overturned in the next few years, I’m certain that our beautiful children will make it right. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
Oh Aly, I’m in tears. My heart breaks reading about this amendment and how it will affect your beautiful family. It hurts me to the core that our families are not recognized by the federal government, but it seems even more painful when your own state adds further rejection by passing hateful laws. My thoughts are with you and all the other queer families in NC.
I hope that you find a community where you are loved and accepted. I hope that your sons never get teased or bullied for the simple fact of having same-sex parents.
I feel incredibly lucky to live in NY where our family is not only accepted but supported. However, I hate that we live in a little apartment and have no yard. We want another child, but the cost of raising a family in NY is outrageous. It’s ridiculous that we are forced to live in the most expensive states/cities/towns in order to ensure our children are safe. I want to be able to live anywhere and know Jadon will not be bullied for having 2 moms!
Although Karen and I worked hard to create our little family and home, we never know if everything will be ripped apart because of DOMA. It boggles my mind that people believe our family is a threat to their children. I hope that by sharing our stories people will see that our families are valid too!
Thank you, Jenni. I hope you and Jadon and Karen are never ripped apart. Your situation is so much more dire than ours and my heart aches for you but equal rights when we get them–and we will, one day–will help us all. Much love.
What a great defense of the family. I’m not in NC so cannot vote, but I sincerely hope that this does not pass. Like you, I just don’t understand why people have anything against other people, just getting on with their lives. Good luck with the teething!
Love your blog- thank you for taking the time to write it in the midst of your busy life/lives! I like to share your words with my partner and my expecting-her-first-child best friend. You have a beautiful family, and I will keep you all in my thoughts as North Carolina does its legislating.
Thank you, Kelsey!
Aly…my heart is officially tugged. This frustrates me so much. I can only hope for the best and that your words will inspire people to speak up and vote in support of loving families.
Thank you!
You better believe we are going to be out there voting down amendment one! We are with you.
Thank you, Ellie!
Hi Aly,
It’s your cousin, Elaine. We had the same vote in Tx a little while back. I voted against it as I feel the same way you do. No one should be able to tell anyone who they choose to spend their life with. Life partners are just that life partners. Unfortunately being in TX it didn’t go the way I would have liked to.
Hopefully in time TX will correct their mistake. I pray all goes well in NC. I love you.
Elaine,
As a lesbian who lives in Texas – THANK YOU for your support!
I love my home state, but this is part of the reason I can’t wait to leave it. I’m worried that this legislation will never be overturned. Not so long as Gov. “Goodhair” is around.
I do live in North Carolina, and I will be defending marriage on May 8th – by voting against the amendment. Best wishes to you and your loving family.
Thank you, Sarah!
I hope everyone who reads this beautifully written story recognizes something very important: you are describing the lives of each and every parent in the world. The joys and struggles are the same, the worries for your families… all of it. With the single difference that people have put your private relationship up for public scrutiny, and shame on them. Bless you and yours, and I wish you peace.
Thank you, Elizabeth!
Beautiful portrayal of your family life. I don’t live in NC, but I do live in Minnesota where we will be voting on the same thing come November. My partner and I have been together for over 6 years now, and are trying to plan a family, but with people pushing amendments against families, and against what are essentially conservative values (a strong, committed relationship IS a conservative value!) it is frustrating to think about our lives in the hands of everyone else in the state. We want to get married, but I want to get married in Minnesota, since both of us are born and raised Minnesotans even though it’s about a 7 hour drive to Iowa.
Reading your blog, it sounds like if you don’t vote on the amendment, it counts as a “yes”, is this true? I know in MN if there is a ballot with the amendment question left blank, it is a “no” vote. In any case, I wish you and your family, and the rest of the state of North Carolina, the very best outcome in May.
Thanks for your comment, Barbie. What I meant about not voting counting as a yes vote is that the current poll numbers are showing that a slim majority supports this amendment. So, if all of the people against it don’t go out and vote no, we don’t have a chance. Best wishes for your family-creating and the Minnesota vote next fall!
Aly,
I wish you the best sister. I have known you almost your entire life and I am so proud of you. You are a remarkable mother and you truly deserve to live your life with all the freedoms I have. I believe everyone deserves to have the same rights. The military is still lightyears behind in benefits but once every state recognises that same sex marriage is still marriage then hopefully those people can get the benefits. Love is love and you have never done anything wrong in your brother’s eyes. I love you so much for becoming the woman that you are today. So people, please vote for my sister.
Thank you so, so much, Todd. Your comment brought tears to my eyes. I admire you and your family so much and can’t express enough how much it means to have your support. Love you!!
Aly,
I have always loved you and have always accepted you for just being you. I had a friend years ago that couldn’t put up with the crap and killed himself. Only a few of us knew he was gay and we all respected him for the person he was. That is what life is all about. I read your blog about our other sis and completely understand how you felt and why. You and I are a lot alike when it comes to life and religion. It is apart of us in ways but it doesn’t consume us. Our sis needs to realize that you both are different and she needs to love and accept you. Life has its twists and turns but always remember that I love you wherever I am and I always think about you. I hope I get to live close to you again and our lord grow up close like we all did. Give my love to the family and I hope to see you in May and this summer.
I don’t get it either. Why legislate hate? But my beloved Texas did it a few years ago. If I weren’t so deeply-ensconced here, I’d move somewhere–SOMEwhere that people are more tolerant. And btw, since when did Jesus say “hate they neighbor”? I must have been absent that day in Sunday school. Blessings to you and your beautiful family! I wish you all much love and happiness and maybe someday, the tolerance of your fellow Americans.
P.S. I’m ordained as a minister by the Universal Life Church and will happily conduct marriage ceremonies for any couple who desire to live together in wedded bliss, gay or straight.
Thank you so much for being an awesome ally, Susan! I can relate to being stuck in place. We’d love to live somewhere more affirming but my partner’s career brought us here and now it would be tough to give up living so close to my extended family.
I have such a crush on your family!!! You all are just so beautiful (and I mean that in a non-creepy non-stalker way!) I already live in a country where same sex marriage is legal but I wish you the best with the vote and will post this on facebook as I have many friends in the US.
Thank you, Alice!!
Thank you for such a well written article. I am definitely planning on getting out to vote AGAINST Amendment One. I wanted to make you aware of an awareness campaign that might interest you. It’s called SaveVeronica and the details can be found at http://www.saveveronica.org. It’s a story of a little girl whose adoption has gone terribly wrong. We’re fighting to change the law that is breaking up her family. Please check it out. Thanks
It’s interesting how much my life seems to mirror your life in so many ways. Except for the fact that I am raising two girls (also almost one and almost three) and that I am married to a man, every aspect of your day sounds so much like mine. It’s so disheartening and unfortunate to me that you even have to add this to your plate. I actually live in Atlanta and linked to this post from a mutual friend on Facebook that posted your blog in her status. I will hope and pray that this amendment doesn’t pass. Your family is beautiful by the way!
Thank you for your support, Jana! I wrote this post because I was pretty sure my life does mirror a lot of other people’s lives out there who happen to be in straight marriages. My goal was to demystify and deexoticize gay marriage to show that we manage a lot of the same mundanities and fears, and relish similar joys. I’m so glad this resonated with you.
My Dearest Aly,
Thank you for writing this, I hope that everyone who reads this truly reads each word and visually can see your beautiful family. I am so blessed to have been able to see first hand what amazing parents you are and how happy the boys are. Your family is truly a delight andit is an honor to be a part of. I think about some of the families I have seen through my work and I can honestly say that it does not matter the dynamics of ones family, it really is about respect, having the time and being kind to one another. You my dear have it all! My prayer and wish for everyone who is seeking
this kind of love, is that they take note. This is pure unconditional love at its finest.
Love, Aunt Darlene
Thank you, Aunt Darlene! You’re making me cry all the way across the country. (By the way, I’m still giggling over that night on our lake trip: “Where do we go from here?”) Your support and love means so much to us and I hope we get to see you again soon!
Maine is also voting this November on whether or not to legalize same-sex marriage (luckily this time around it’s a straight forward “yes” FOR same-sex marriage or a “no” against it). We’re hopeful that it will be passed this time around(it failed two years ago by a narrow margin of 53% vs 47%). I’m getting married in June, and it saddens me to think that so many others are denied the same right.
Thanks for your comment, Jamie. Good luck with the vote and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
Just wait until they’re 2 and 4. OMG what a nightmare!!!
The other day I was joking with my partner that we need to start an “It Gets Worse” video campaign for other parents. “If you’re a parent struggling with two kids under three, I want you to know that it won’t be this difficult forever. They will get older and it will get worse….”
I am neither American nor in a same-sex relationship so I don’t want to say something insipid because I can’t imagine life in your shoes. What I don’t and can’t understand is why anyone’s life is so important to someone else. I prefer to worry about my own backyard before thinking about my neighbours. I fail to see how tolerance and living a good life can harm anyone’s children… bigotry, intolerance, hatred and discrimination do harm children and then the cycle never stops.
Good luck to you and yours and I while I can’t support you in the vote, I can support you in my beliefs and my actions in my own life.
Thank you, C.C.!
Saw this from a friend’s post on FB. Whichever way this goes, remember that even if the vote goes sour, it isn’t binding, and isn’t the end of the world. I stood up in front of the New Hampshire legislature several years ago and asked them if they didn’t care about my very white brother marrying my very white sister-in-law, or my very white other brother marrying his brown-skinned half Bronx-Jew, half Filipina wife, why should they care about me marrying my wife? Ah, but those scary Massachusetts people were gettin’ hitched, so we had to protect ourselves.
Just a very few short years later, NH has gay marriage.
So as hard as May 8th will be – and all the other dates for all the other states – we WILL keep fighting the fight, and we WILL continue to be strong families, and we WILL continue to be your random every day citizens with your random every day problems/joys/dysfunctions/productivity. And someday, we WILL all be able to get married. Or not. Whichever WE choose.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really wish people weren’t so close minded here in NC. As someone who moved here a year ago from near San Francisco, it really does pain me that this is even on the ballot. I will definitely be voting against this on May 8th.
Thank you, Morgan! You’re a fine addition to this beautiful state.
You have a very beautiful family and it appears to be more loving than most. I would have given anything to have grown up in an environment as loving as the one your children are growing up in. It’s very nerve racking/gut wrenching knowing that you live in a state that is trying to declare who’s love is real and true, and whose is not. I get sick to my stomach seeing signs supporting the amendment in my neighbors’ yards. Sadly, I’m only seventeen and won’t be able to vote until June. I’m hoping for the best for you and your family.
Collin, your words and support mean a lot. I hope my boys grow up to be compassionate young men like you. Thank you!
Reblogged this on Two Strides Left.
Oh, I’m all teary-eyed. Thank you for writing this post!
As a single gay man I am continuously outraged by the lack of rights towards people. I am tired of others denying marriage, employment, housing to me and my community. I am tired of my tax dollars supporting things that I will never be apart of. I am tired of serving a community that will not serve me in my time of need if be. At this point in my life I and I hope others will stand up to states, communities, business, and people who condemn us. I wish as a whole we could just all refuse to pay our taxes until our money serves us also. I know it’s not going to happen but we can take our business elsewhere but we must be vocal about it. Even if it’s just a letter written to the chamber of commerce stating that I had plan to take my vacation in your beautiful city but since your state does not approve of my lifestyle my money will go …………. face it i am just tired.
I hear you, Don. I’m feeling pretty discouraged myself right now as I see more and more pro-amendment signs pop up in our area. I’m glad my boys aren’t old enough to understand any of this yet because I seriously dread explaining it to them. But I hang on to the certainty that one day, hopefully in our lifetime but definitely in my kids’ lifetimes, people like us will have full equality.
I’m an NC voter and eager to help vote the hateful amendment down. Living in the Triangle area, though, I think I get lulled into a false sense of security about the outcome. Around here, signs against the amendment pepper many yards, but I have to remember that the rest of the state is a quite different political atmosphere. Those of us in the more liberal districts need to remind ourselves (and our friends) that we should not let complacency keep us from prioritizing showing up at the polls on May 8th.
I also want to add that the amendment would also limit domestic violence protections to married couples leaving ANYONE in an unmarried partnership at risk, if abuse were to occur. The whole amendment is a pile of horrible, offensive bullsh-t!
Best of luck from Australia! All families (& people) deserve to be able to live free of persecution and bigotry! I hope the amendment is voted down!
Thank you, Australia!
I feel like I’ve internet creeped your beautiful family all over from APW and Offbeat Bride. Someone linked this on a wedding forum I visit occasionally and when I saw the pictures I thought to myself “Oh I know them!” A bit strange, but at the same time, I think it speaks a bit to your willingness to share about your marriage and your family in a way that helps to demystify gay families and demonstrate the obvious – you don’t ‘gay’ wash your breakfast dishes, or ‘gay’ argue with your wife, or ‘gay’ take a drive to the park to play with your kids. You just do them, in a way that certainly mirrors my life and I imagine many (most) other marriages and relationships out there.
I’m a Canadian woman in a relationship with a man, and I think sometimes here it’s easy to forget what a major struggle this continues to be elsewhere. We come back a place where cohabiting unions are treated (legally and socially)as equal to marriage in terms of rights and obligations of partners and it’s frustrating to see this kind of amendment proposed that hurts all kinds of non-traditional family types. My fiance moved to NC last year for his PhD and we continue to be surprised and frustrated at the thinking he has encountered. Where he is at least, there are a lot more signs against than for. We’ll be thinking and hoping on behalf of families across NC on May 8.
Thanks so much for your comment and support. I am pretty out there with our lives because I believe that the more people know about families like us, the more likely they are to see our commonalities and feel compassion. Good luck to your partner in his PhD quest! I know how long and hard that struggle is for him and you.
I found this post via a share on Facebook, and I just want to let you know that I will be voting AGAINST Amendment One on May 8. I like my life here in NC, and I hope my girlfriend can join me down here one day…and I want to start a family of my own (once I’m done with my own Ph.D)! She and I will have our family no matter what, but we both want to have a legal marriage. I hate that we might have to consider leaving the state in order to make our dreams come true.
I’ve seen the Vote Against signs all over neighborhoods in Winston in Greensboro, and I hope that enough folks show up to vote and make their opinions heard on May 8. Your family is such an inspiration to me, so much love!
Thank you, Miss Anderson! Good luck to you on your doctorate and family planning!
I feel so profoundly frustrated by legislation like this, not only because they’re putting the rights of the oppressed up for a popular vote (WHY?!), but because it seems completely unnecessary. I was born, raised, and currently live in Virginia. I love this godforsaken state and I would be perfectly content to head for the mountains and live out my life here. But because we’re queer and don’t fit neatly in the heteronormative binary box, we have to plan on uprooting our life at some point. It doesn’t feel fair.
Thank you for putting into beautiful words a story about your family that is incredibly unique and yet perfectly normal. One thing you can be sure of is that you and your partner are raising wonderful little dudes who will not only do great things, but are sure to be ambassadors for your family specifically, and our community in general. They are stronger because you are teaching them how to love more, to love bigger.
Amen, Meaghan, and thanks your kind words! I would love to live out in the country myself, having grown up in a rural part of Maryland, but I fear my family wouldn’t be safe too far from town.
Your life is our life. I live in Wilmington and will be voting NO to the amendment on May 8th. Just know that no matter what happens there will always be other parents like you blearily waking up at 7am and also people continuing to fight for your rights.
Thank you, Hope, for the comment, your vote, and the 7am solidarity.
Great article. My wife and I live in Asheville as well, and as a way of highlighting Amendment 1, we are celebrating our anniversary on may 8th (instead of June 4) and inviting our friends and family to a party, after voting no of course! we encourage untomdomthe same!
Great idea! We may just do that.
Hello- I’m a graduate student at UNCG in the WGS program and am currently working on a topic presentation for what I hope to utilize as my thesis research project.
I’d like to use your blog entry for my research and possibly be in touch further with you and your family. If you’d like more information and possibly to be involved my e-mail is eapeffer@uncg.edu
Thanks!
p.s. This is my second attempt at leaving a reply, so my apologies if I left more than 1!
Email coming your way.
Aly,
Your story is like mine. My spouse, LaRae, and I were married 5 years ago in Canada. We are both originally from California and now live in Arizona. In 2008 the anti-gay marriage ammendments were on the ballots in both of those states and I was resigned to the Arizona one passing. I felt irritated seeing the signs of support for that ammendment in neighborhood lawns, but I wasn’t surprised. I live in Arizona, after all. But when prop 8 passed in California I was shocked and deeply hurt. California!!! The bastion of diversity and liberals and open-mindedness (of the west, anyway). We moved forward with our plans to start a family anyway and now we have a beautiful, cranky two-year old named Helena. I stay at home with her, which is a month-to-month committment based on finances and the impending end of our COBRA coverage which we have through my former employer. It’s so unfair that I may not have the same opportunity as other parents have to stay home and raise my daughter simply because we can’t qualify for affordable health care as a family. It makes no sense to give people the right to vote on our civil rights. Thank you for sharing your story, which I will happily repost so others can understand what the real issues are here. And remember, the best revenge is living well. Happy anniversary!
Thank you so much for your comment and sharing your story, Elaine! My goodness, two year olds can be such cranks! I sat on the floor with both of my sons crying on me yesterday–a long day–for no particular reason for what felt like hours but was probably only 15 minutes. My older boy was post-nap-cranky and his sobs were causing the baby to wail. Good times. Anyway, I shared your disbelief and outrage over California. I know life will go on after this vote and the amendment won’t last if it is passed but oh to wake up May 9th to good news…
I read your letter and the beauty of your lve for your family. My heart goes out to you and I truly hope for continued blessings for you and your children.
I want to express my reason for voting against gay marriage. I have always lived my life by my faith. I too want to protect the rights of my church to protect itself from the government forcing it to perform marriages that are against its beliefs and church doctrine. This not about condemnation, this is about preservation of religious rights and beliefs.
I encourage you to bring your family to the Catholic Church. God is a loving God. Remember, true christians live your pain everyday in their own lives. No one person is perfect, we can only strive to live by God’s commandments and His greatest commandment which is the most beautiful brough to us by Jesus Christ. ” Love God, and love your neighbor as you love yourself”. If you want a better understanding of why the church is standing firm against these amendments, go to Catholic Answers websight. you will gain a true understanding of the church and the love of God for all mankind. God bless us all and keep us strong tbrough our daily lives.
Dear Anna,
If gay marriage is legalized in the U.S., your church can still choose not to perform gay marriages. Your reason for voting against the ammendment is not rooted in logic or reality. Even if the ammendment is shot down, Aly and Elroi can’t get legally married!
Thank you for bringing up the important commandment to love your neighbor as yourself. Do you really believe that banning families to visit their loved ones in the hospital, sponsor their partner for citizenship, and drop their child off at day care is demonstrating love fir your neighbor?
I hope that you are able to see past your religious beliefs and recognize us as human beings who deserve basic rights. We’re not asking your church to marry us. Our families will not invade your church or life if ammendment one is shot down.
-Jenni
*Your reason for voting for the ammendment*
Hi Anna. Thanks for your comment. Where gay marriage is legal, no church is forced to perform a gay marriage ceremony. Just as any Catholic church can refuse to marry people who are not baptized Christians, they can legally refuse to marry a same-sex couple. That said, I do not want to be married in a Catholic church or any church. All I want is for me and my partner and family to be treated equally under the law. Civil unions do not provide the same rights and protections that civil marriages do. That’s why I (and many others) want to be able to obtain a civil marriage.
If a heterosexual couple that is not Catholic goes to a Catholic priest and says, “will you marry us?” he will say no, because they are not Catholic and Catholic priests cannot marry non-Catholics. How is this any different than what a Catholic priest would be asked to do if a gay couple approached him and asked the same question? The point is that it is not different AT ALL. These Catholic histrionics are really, really wearing me down. As someone who was born and raised Catholic, I assure you that there is nothing untoward being asked of your community. Please stop spreading falsehoods for the sake of “preserving” your faith. Lying is a sin, too.
Thank you for stating so honestly and plainly the truth about your ( and my) lives. I will pass on this story in the hopes that it inspires people to vote for what is right…equality.
Tonja
Thank you, Tonja!
Wow. I absolutely loved reading about your family. You are a very talented writer, as well. I agree with you and I will vote. I will also share your story. You have a beautiful family! Have a wonderful day.
Melissa
Thanks, Melissa!
Terrific article plainly explaining some of the implications of this amendment, should it pass. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel many more should read your story to better understand it’s not about legalizing same sex marriage but rather taking away rights for you. Anyway, I know how I’m voting on May 8th and I hope the amendment if voted down. Thinking of you and your family in NC. I am also in NC.
Hi Aly,
I saw your blog via OBM and I’ve posted it on my FB wall. It’s SO well written and mirrors our lives as well. My partner and I have four kids and live in Utah. I am praying for your family (and all of us) that the Amendment does NOT pass.
Thank you SO much for sharing your life with us!
Jen
Dear Aly,
I want to share with you a letter to the Editor that I recently wrote. I am waiting for it to be run in our local Hendersonville, NC, paper:
Recent letters have stated that if we vote for the “marriage protection act” we will be protecting our children.
Same sex marriages do not create children. Heterosexual marriages do, and I have seen many children born into a union between male and female who have suffered greatly, when birth parents have no idea what it means to nurture, protect, love and support a child. While some of these children are taken away from their negligent or abusive heterosexual parents, it takes too long, and too much irreparable damage is done before legal action can be taken. These children carry deep, life-long emotional scars inflicted by their parents.
Conversely, I have never seen a child who was abused or neglected by same sex parents. Never. Ever.
So if we truly want to protect our children, then let’s really protect our children. Let’s educate everyone about the importance of being responsible for and to our children. Let’s pass laws that actually protect children, not perpetuate their victim roles. Let’s shift our focus to support our schools and our family units – no matter what they look like – that cherish children.
That’s how we protect our children.
I just wanted to let you know that the ONLY reason I was even planning on voting in the primary was to vote against this stupid admendment! It’s the only button I am planning on pushing. I just hope NC isn’t as ignorant as it sometimes seems to be. You have a lovely family!
aloha mai, aly … i just found your blog from an offbeatbride.com post. kudos to you and your family! i can only hope that people of NC find a way to successfully shift away from homophobia and social discrimination and begin to focus on the rights that all families and children should be able to enjoy. my wife and i, along with our 6-year-old son know that we are so blessed to live in a state that is fairly socially progressive and accepting. but even with the small steps towards marriage equality that hawaii has achieved, we (as a bi-national couple) anxiously await the day that allows for our family to be federally recognized and protected. there are times when the wait is difficult and frustrating, but when we take a step back and look at the”big-picture” progress that has occurred in the past several years, we are hopeful.
as we wait for and work towards marriage equality, we do our best to support and uplift our community and family members … so, know that you’re not alone and that there are many of us throughout the nation who are doing what we can to demonstrate that our families are not a threat to anyone or any institution … rather, we are just trying to live our lives and love our own to the best of our abilities.
take care of you and yours … and best wishes!
I found your story on Huffington Post and followed it back here. Just want you to know I won’t be waiting until May 8 to vote against this atrocity. I’ll be waiting for the doors of the BOE in downtown Raleigh to open tomorrow morning. With a bit of luck I can cast the first “AGAINST” vote in the state. I HOPE I’ll be voting with the majority, but I KNOW I’ll be voting my conscience. And if you’re ever in Raleigh (where I live) or Carrboro (where my girlfriend lives) look us up. You’ll always be welcome. And no law will ever change that.
Done and Dusted. I didn’t QUITE make it in time to cast ballot #1, but I did cast ballot #3. I can’t tell you how the first two went, but I can tell you that there was at least one AGAINST vote in the first three at the Wake BOE. And judging from the conversations I had outside, I wasn’t alone. Not nearly. Highlight of the morning: Paul Stam giving a wide berth to the knot of us on the corner with the Against signs (sorry, it was beautiful).
Aly, I want to let you know that I thought of you & your family often today. & I re-read this beautiful blog post & shared it on Facebook & heard back from many friends & family members who were also touched by your story. I want to let you know that I support your family. Best wishes.
Aly, having just discovered your blog yesterday, I’m trying to catch up on some of your most recent posts. This one really struct a chord with me as it so mirrors my own life. Although Li and I were married last October in a big beautiful wedding (yes, I got my dream dress and we had a bagpiper and well, the photos are all over Facebook if you ever get a chance to see them), we are still in the process of actually blending our two households together as it was important for my son and I to be on our own when we first moved down here and Li’s mom lives in an attached in-law space so we’ll all be having quite an adjustment period. That said, Li spends every night here and our lives are still very much the same as everyone else’s. We have the same routines of getting up and getting my son (no, for now Li will not be able to adopt him–thanks, NC) ready for school, Li goes off to work, I work from home, we have after-school commitments with Boy Scouts and sports and church activities, etc. In every respect we are just like every other family I know, except we don’t have the same rights.What floors me is that most people still don’t understand that we don’t! Even after the highly publicized amendment they just don’t get that we are second-class citizens that are not afforded the same civil rights that every other so-called “normal” family takes for granted. My family and your family are as average as they come–I dare anyone to dispute that. Your portrayal was beautiful, eloquent, and heartfelt and I thank you for opening the eyes of those who may believe that we somehow live these warped lives that are queer and different just because of who we choose to love.